| Finally watched Waters of Mars. |
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| 03:21pm 28/11/2009 |
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Um.
The Doctor's supervillain speech there was... Well, I excitedly recited my litany from when I saw The Invasion of Time: "he's the Doctor and I trust him, he's the Doctor and I trust him..."
Saw the last death coming a mile away. Also, apparently he's seeing phantom Ood now? At least they made a passing reference to the Ice Warriors.
Also, dear gosh, if they're low on oxygen, PUT THE FRAKING FIRE OUT! I don't care how pretty it is, it's just STUPID.
Come on Christmas! I heard that cloister bell! |
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| Home and oh hey, it's Thanksgiving |
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| 12:15pm 26/11/2009 |
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So I went to upstate New York for five days and am home now. I am kind of sore and tired, but there's no rest before turkey today...
I will post more later, but the trip involved: Into The Woods by Sondheim, rubber band and nerf guns, an hour long massage, good food and riesling, free unsupervised climbing, hiking, ice skating, an otter and rolling down a hill. And a book about love and zombies.
It'll be a long post when I have time to write it. |
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| hee hee hee |
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| 08:53pm 14/11/2009 |
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I lost all of my faith and love
They died off long ago
But I shall ressurect them both
My science tells me so! |
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| Poem: Miss him |
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| 12:36am 13/11/2009 |
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I imagine him sitting down with me
Like he did sometimes
To talk out my fears while he held my hand.
It wasn't so often he showed it this way
That he cared and would listen
Without trying for more
But it happened sometimes
So I know that he heard.
I've talked a lot about his best self
And I've said before that he'd been my best friend
And he told me once that he knew I was the one
Who would always be there to the end of his days
To rely on forever, though we had already
Parted, romantically, anyway...
But I took that away.
For my sake and his...
My little brother left me in almost the same place
The one person I knew would be there forever
But at least I can hope that someday when I need him
That he might return of his own accord.
I know I will be there for Jeff if I can
But to wait forever to help him is senseless.
I AM still alive.
And, see, that's the thing.
For he was my best friend
And he did know my thoughts for a while
And I feel as if, as I change and move on,
I still want his blessing on my choice and my life.
I still want his friendship
His hand holding mine
To give a good word for the passage of time.
There is, I suppose, some part of his heart
Which cannot live only on hatred and fear.
Which can say, for all the wrongs she's done through me
Still I wish her life
And good
And maybe some guy who is better for her
Than my selfish heart ever was.
He is human after all
And so am I.
And maybe in that lies the healing of time. |
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| 01:58pm 11/11/2009 |
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I've been starting a lot of poems and not knowing how to continue recently.
I've long considered the source of my poetry to be similar to the source of my most vivid dreams - I haven't had many of those either.
Both tend to be a source of truths that my waking mind missed. The most vivid dreams often come when I figure something out, something that has been running a program in the back of my mind for a while. Since I seem to be as obsessive as ever, I can only assume that my brain can't really find any answers.
Or maybe I've rejected too many in the last several years. I did have a lot of dreams about simple, friendly conversations with Jeff last year. Maybe constantly telling myself, "No, that can't be truth," has made that corner of my mind give up. But I only rejected the one idea. |
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| I'd call that a narrow miss. |
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| 11:12am 06/11/2009 |
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Okay, so this whole thing is HILARIOUS.
I came to the library early this morning to watch Der Richter und Sein Henker for German. I had a little time beforehand, and kicked around online, then went to the viewing room. About halfway through the movie I get a call from an on campus number, but naturally there's no real signal deep in the library, so I can't actually tell what they're saying.
So. I stand outside the library entrance and call them back after the movie. "We have an iPod here, belonging to someone you probably know. Do you know a Franny Porto?" "Um, that's me... I do have an iPod, but I don't remember losing it!" (I must have just left it at the computer right before I went into the viewing room.) "Well, come by with your ID and we can return it to you."
As I walk back, I try to think just how they came by my number, and then I realized that, though I never use my contacts in the device, when I first got it, I'd put JEFF in there, just cause I was exploring my new toy and filling out the contacts was one of the things that could be done on it. I think to myself, "Oh, SHOOT. ...Ha! They probably called him, and he had to give them my number! Oh dear, I'll have to apologize to him."
They acted a bit suspicious when I arrived to get my iPod, and tell me that I really should put my name on it, etc. I asked if they called Jeff, and they said yes, we were trying to get it back to you of course. So, okay. I figure I'll tell this silly little story and then write him a thank you email.
BUT! Because the contacts app was the subject of our attention, I go into it, figuring I should probably just delete Jeff's entry. But what do I find? MY NUMBER.
I'm not sure if I put my own cell phone number in there as a joke or just because I was typing on autopilot, but the result is that when they thought they were calling some dude who might know this "Franny Porto", they got Franny herself! I went back and explained to the guy, and he said, "Oh, well that explained why we got a girl when we called..."
And now I don't have to talk to the former. Yay! |
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| We are just... Different. |
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| 11:24am 05/11/2009 |
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I really do have a quite powerful, identifying connection with my family, in the sense that there is a very clearly defined Us. But so much of it comes from moments of realization that we are just... not. quite. normal.
I just learned that my cousin Matt has taken to playing football with San Quentin prison inmates for fun. Not as a form of community service, not as some macho gesture, but just cause they're a group to play with. You've got to realize that these guys have had little to do but work out for a minimum of five years and among my male cousins, he's the shorter, skinny one.
I give him two years max before he starts latching on to the Superman idea like so many of us. |
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| ...Huh. |
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| 04:36pm 04/11/2009 |
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Observed personality changes in the past few days:
Less dramatically startled (I still jump, but I haven't shrieked.)
Hugging people not out of want or need, just to share my good mood.
No moping, but even with a higher general level of energy, I'm hitting no manic highs.
Same level of focus, but less distress when I fail to complete a task.
[tmi] While I'm thinking of sex a bit more often, the thought of other guys is immediately either a turnoff or worse. [/tmi]
I think his visit was good for me.
And my thoughts of Andy are more frequent and fonder than they were. There was nothing fake about the interaction on the visit; past the first few nervous minutes, there was a general enjoyment of his company, entirely unforced. We even had a short disagreement, and another since he left, but they weren't tiring (as arguments can often be). I can realistically believe that things can continue that way.
Almost changed my facebook status, but changed my mind. I sort of want to keep it to myself, as my own little gem to admire. Or at least, only call him my boyfriend to the people who won't then suddenly pay attention to either of us solely for that. I guess that means I trust you people... or you're entirely neutral to the question. Heh.
*Edit: I guess that's a good point... it takes more trust for me to tell someone about a growing relationship than about one breaking apart. Huh. On the other hand, I remember a time I gleefully shared my bewildered joy. Perhaps this is just something different and I am made shy, or perhaps I am simply more wary.* |
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| Seen on faceboob: Attack of the puns! |
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| 04:28pm 04/11/2009 |
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Only read these if you like puns!
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
My sister points out that these would be excellent for learning english idiom. |
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| ...good point. |
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| 02:22pm 02/11/2009 |
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And I'd like to note this comes in wake of a little happy trespassing on the weekend, at the stream by my sister's place, which has been made much more interesting by broken concrete blocks, a little graffiti, and a tree with rope swings, boards and a piton. |
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| I had a full weekend |
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| 07:35pm 01/11/2009 |
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So.
My roommate held a pumpkin carving party on Thursday night, to which I invited several friends. The party was bigger than planned, quite fun all things considered, and Igor left his beer at my place. In fact, a number of people left beer there. I may just have to make beer bread every week until it's down to a decent amount. Oh, and some dude proposed to me for cooking at the party. Didn't catch his name, I was too busy laughing. Toward the end, CJ and I went to get Andy from the airport. A few of my friends were still there when I got back, and we chatted for another half hour (and Season told Andy to take care of me. He laughed and said he'd try...)
Friday Andy and I walked back to the airport to pick up a rental car, had cocoa at school and then I went to class and tutored someone... then we went to Barefoot with Rachel and Tamara... then I went to tutor people and Andy went to have dinner and watch Robin Hood with CJ and Luke and co. ...then I joined them to watch Singing in the Rain. (Andy and I spent the time discussing how awesomely athletic Gene Kelly is and occasionally commenting on the actual movie. I did NOT bring up the man's ass. Not me. No.)
Saturday, once dressed in steampunk costumes (I was Agatha Heterodyne), we watched The Fall, which is a very nifty, weirdly artistic movie. I need to see it again, there are bits I didn't quite assimilate. Then we went and had a picnic at the stream by my sister's place, during which Andy tried to get the rope swings to do things they were not built to do... resulting in his getting thoroughly soaked. It was a blast! We swung by my sister's so I could see the boys' costumes and she invited us to share tea and cookies (and startled Andy by shaking her finger at him and saying, "What are your intentions with my sister?! Ha ha, just kidding!") And then we went to Barrett's and played part of a D&D 4th ed. one-shot with him, Katherine and Rob.
Today we parted ways (he won't leave until tomorrow, though), I went to hang out with family in Pinole (Tony and Pam are in town and I got to see my newest cousin for the first time) and then came back down by BART and bus to do some tutoring. I get along quite well with my newest student! |
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| On Planned Parenthood |
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| 11:19am 23/10/2009 |
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So. A few years back, my cousin Karen went to work for Planned Parenthood. When I expressed approval that my sister Elisabeth was so supportive of the job, "considering what they do", Elisabeth replied "You mean, provide fertility services? I think it's a good idea to have children according to a plan!". I said that's not what I meant, and trailed off, not wanting to be the one to explain to my strictly Christian sister that they also do abortions. And that I approve of that.
*Edit - A few services they provide:
Affordable gynecological services such as Pap tests
Screening for breast, cervical and testicular cancer
Affordable birth control - including condoms
Rape kits
Fertility services
Abortions
Only 3% of their work is abortions. They're often the only place a girl can go to if she doesn't have health coverage. And protesters about abortion are often harrassing not only women who are trying to end a life, but those trying to ensure some day they can start one.*
My family is a bit torn over what to think about a lot of moral issues. We are by nature very religious (I say that instead of spiritual on purpose), but also determined to be rational, especially on moral terms. Personally, I've developed my theories around abortion based on the statistics that say 40% of women who have abortions already believe it's morally wrong. They don't need to be convinced, they are acting out of necessity or fear. That makes it an entirely different ball game. Upwards of 10,000 women die every year because they have no help so they try to abort themselves. This is not murder, it is suicide.
Oh, hey, my statistics were prettier than the real picture: "Back-alley abortions in such countries may involve homemade drug-cocktails, traditional healers and other quack remedies, as well as amateur surgery. An estimated 70,000 women die each year from such methods. Uncounted millions suffer from complications such as sterility arising from botched abortions." I'm guessing the 10,000 was just in America.
Someone once said that the parents of girls who are pregnant should ask themselves if they had to choose between losing the baby and losing both the baby and their daughter, would it be worth it to block the option that would let the girl survive, mature and heal? I like that there's a group giving girls the safety of a choice. Because that's choosing life: specifically, the girl's life, giving her time to grow up and become someone who could become a better, healthier, more mature person. Maybe even a mother.
And this rant was triggered by the blog I Am Emily X, which is written anonymously by people who work at Planned Parenthood. Most of the stories are about that safety net being taken away.
"Those protesters have no idea what happens inside these walls.
They don’t know about the 12-year-old who came in. She was raped by her father. We helped send him to prison.
They don’t know about the mother of six who brought her 17-year-old daughter in for an abortion. Their family was struggling for basic necessities. They had no food. The daughter excelled in high school and wanted to go to college. She wanted to have a future."
...there was one... a woman had shouted "You are not God’s child; you speak death!". And I remember something from Walk the Line: Someone said to Johnny Cash, "Most of your listeners are Christians, they don't want you comforting prison inmates." and he replied, "Then they aren't very good Christians." Yeah. |
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| 20 years ago yesterday. |
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| 01:43pm 18/10/2009 |
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Second video made me cry, just a bit.
My father worked at the Alameda Naval Air Station at the time. We probably would have been on the Cypress Structure on the way home if my brother hadn't needed to use the bathroom. He was still indoors when it struck, and told us that lightbulbs were breaking in their sockets as he was trying to leave and showering him with ...either sparks or glass, I don't remember.
I just sent Alex a slightly awkward thank you. Cause, yeah, he didn't do it on purpose, but he may just have saved all our lives.
Also worth watching: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In4iOHmmha8 Two survivors from the Cypress structure. |
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| Moved in! |
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| 05:46pm 17/10/2009 |
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"I have just one question..."
"Oh?"
"Why is there a hammer in with the alcohol?"
"Oh, um... Is that the one from IKEA?"
She didn't explain why that would have mattered... |
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| Huh. |
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| 01:50pm 16/10/2009 |
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Between school, work, and moving soon I can't seem to pull the energy to to more than skim the friends page again. And this makes me feel bad, because I can tell there's some important stuff in people's lives there.
The Boy is going to be back in the US soon, and is probably going to visit Halloween weekend. I also have family visiting the area that Sunday, and I just BET I'll have a test the next day. So I'm trying to plan carefully. Not too concerned, though... looks like I'm going to scrounge an Agatha Heterodyne outfit from my closet quite easily and maybe the SCU Physics dept's awesome store of weird old vacuum tubes.
...Have I told you all about my rule for Halloween? That I have to have a different character every year, but the costume can be exactly the same if it's appropriate? Yeah. I bet I wear the Agatha outfit again some day, since it's so bloody easy to put together.
*yawns*
I made a very awesome Napoleon-ish dessert last night. I figured out pastry cream to my satisfaction, and expect to make the stuff pretty much every time I make macaroons from now on. It also means that Igor has a lot of egg white waiting in his fridge... I'll probably visit him or have him visit me in the next day or two so they can be made into meringue or macaroons soon.
Dude, that pastry cream I made was SO delicious. Next project: learning to make my own puff pastry and pie crust. |
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| Here, have some happy! |
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| 02:52pm 14/10/2009 |
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Sometimes protest signs are awesome.
 
 
These are all from the National Equality March. Apparently there was also one that said "Jesus hung out with 12 guys and a prostitute. He had more in common with me than you." |
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| Details |
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| 08:43pm 11/10/2009 |
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So, hung out with Rachel this afternoon - she seems on the knifepoint of finally breaking up with Ryan for good. She was up late last night arguing with him and he wouldn't return her calls this morning. I actually went shopping with her (as much as I ever do, anyway).
I also had dinner with the potential roommates. He's a computer engineer and musician, she's a computer engineer and training for marathon running. We get along. I think... I'm going to live there, and just not discuss it with Papa. Cause, darnit. I like the place and I like them, and I can live with a long bus ride for a big, cheap house and nice people.
*shrugs*
Also, I have Jeff Buckley in my head:
Lonely is the room, the bed is made, the open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come
Its never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
Its never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her
Its never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
Its never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
Well maybe I'm just too young
To keep good love from going wrong.... |
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| About Psychiatric Tales again |
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| 03:47pm 09/10/2009 |
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On Self Harm
So... shortly after I started dating Jeff, my dad pulled me out of college and then Jeff went to Missouri for months.
I felt awful, and though I was delighted that the guy I loved wanted and cared about me, and that he wanted me to be happy, I was almost inundated with the knowledge that my parents cared more about their definitions of my success than my present happiness. And I felt really powerless about the world, and very often alone.
One day, I took a knife and thought very carefully about what I wanted to write... and carved the words "WHY NOT" into my thigh. The cuts were not deep, intended to fade in about a year, though I pressed harder as I went along and the scars of "OT" are still faintly recognizeable. To me, it was like a tattoo, and intended as a reminder that I have reasons not to self-destruct. I was thinking of Jeff, who I called "the one consistently good thing in my life" and of my sister Victoria who was worried about me, and of how hurt my mother was when my oldest sister tried to run away.
Jeff was shocked and frightened when he saw the words four months later, and asked why I hadn't told him how depressed I was. But... I had. I'd also told him how much his support was... supporting me. But he saw the cuts as some version of hating myself and couldn't reconcile that with me being okay again. He made me promise never to do it again.
So... I never did it again, but I will mention that the times of greatest emotional pain since then were matched with physical circumstances - sometimes sheer pain - that drove the emotions down. Sometimes I think our bodies are made to save our minds. |
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